The story

I was a minister for 6 years in a church here in Antipolo. I've been serving God since I was 13 years old.
Sometimes I lead worship, but most of the time i play instruments. I do have small groups and I'm a part of the Leadership core in our youth. I was privilege to be a camp committee  head 2 years ago and i was overwhelmed with everything that is happening in my life I've gone so far... not until this things happens.


It was a slow fade, little by little my devotion time suffers due to my work schedule and relationship issues.
I test God, even though i know that he is in control, i tried to manipulate my life. Do what i want and little that i know i was far, very far from the will of God.


I've done things i never could imagine, i became rebellious at heart although every Sunday i come and pray and ask forgiveness but there's one thing that i can't gave up. it's my life.. love life. from there i was ruined. Little by little i was eaten by my self, drowning me to rebellion and commit sin against God.

It needs to be stopped, i know it! But i can't! I was drowned in my own flesh unable to see the light. I was praying to God to help me restore my life from the day where i still felt the joy of my salvation, that sweet moment when i first know him. I want to be free! But because of my stubbornness I continue to sin until the alarm caught my attention.

My senior pastor throw the red flag. He ask me to have a conversation with him with my fellow leaders as a witness on what will happen. I knew this day come but i never stop. I knew it will hurt me but still i refuse to stop. How stubborn am i to be like this. Oh God forgive me for all of my sin.

We had a talk, it was harsh but i deserved it!
Everything that i have and all the things that i do in my ministry is taken away.
I was holding a rock in that moment and if I'm strong enough it'll crushed when i squeeze it while listening to my pastor.

That moment i was humbled down, that moment i felt Gods hand correcting his children.
I felt that my identity is gone, my very essence is gone. I dont know what to do. Where do i start from here?
Where can i go from here? Am i be able to come back? What future is waiting for me? I am shameful and feel sorry,

Now I'm starting from scratch. I realized all the things that I've done, but its too late. the damage has been done. Now I'm on my way to repentance. I'm recording this journey although i didn't know if i can still go back to what i was before. But this is the time to surrender and let God work through me. I had a same issue with Samson, oh i wish i could get my powers back and glorify God once again.